Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
i actually laughed 😩
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me