My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
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Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me