being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
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Beware of fowl play.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Ok but actually
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately