[screaming into the void]
MARCO
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If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Me irl
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.