Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
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I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.