I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
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Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch