Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
You Might Also Like
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.