Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.