Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
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Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.