Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
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mood
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”