Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
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[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.