‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
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Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
“you recording!?”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages