If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
You Might Also Like
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*