“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
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The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.