My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
You Might Also Like
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.