I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?