It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
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My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.