Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
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‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
🤣🤣🤣
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
this post was so formative to me
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.