the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
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I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.