The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
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Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.