Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
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me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Order here:
More here:
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”