Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
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I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.