Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
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Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
repaired
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase