Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
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I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday