Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
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My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020