Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
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Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!