I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
79.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
oh my god
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid