Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
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The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.