Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
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ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
i’m still crying at this
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”