The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
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If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
me 2 months after i graduated
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]