I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
You Might Also Like
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
There is no try. There is only give up.