bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
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To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Autocorrect is my menesis
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.