Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
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Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
i actually laughed 😩
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.