So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
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Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David