I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
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Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.