[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
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“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.