Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them