*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
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my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans: