I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.