DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
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Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.