“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
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Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Saturday
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Sharon, call the vet
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.