Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
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I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
shit just got real
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*