waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
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Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
(Jupiter –
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.