CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
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Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.