[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
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Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
a public service announcement
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way