Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
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What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills