Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
You Might Also Like
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
uncle dave has been through hell
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
When I said I liked it rough.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.