Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
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Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it