If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
You Might Also Like
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.