You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
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hmm conte-me mais
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
🌱🌱🌱
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework